It’s a Sunday night and I am sitting at my dining room table writing a paper for my literature class. My grandparents on the other hand are sitting on the couch watching “The Money Class.” Being that the dining room and living room are attached, both the paper and the depressing show on television make me want to jump in my purple car and drive to Las Vegas or something fun and exciting. So I jump in the shower, blow out my hair, do my nails, call friends and complain about my life all in between writing my paper. That’s when my grandmother asks me to find something good on television. So I sit down next to my grandfather on the couch and grab the remote. “Move over,” I say. I refuse to sit behind the Christmas tree that is blatantly placed in front of the left seat of the couch blocking anyone’s view of the television.
After flipping through the channels I realized that we have none. My grandparents blocked all of the good channels like Showtime and HBO after catching me watching Road Trip in the TV room. How was I supposed to know there would be a scene where girls walked around the bathroom topless?
Anyway, the lack of choices was really stressful. I knew what she wanted, a lifetime movie. I knew what I wanted, The Shining. We were both out of luck so I settled for Wedding Crashers. I don’t love comedy, feeling it lacks depth, but I figured, a laugh couldn’t hurt.
I was skeptical about their reaction to Wedding Crashers. I knew my grandfather would love the beautiful women and my grandmother would scream out in disgust after every curse word. After 5 minutes she did scream, “Bianca, change this now!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “But there is nothing else please, it is funny.”
Every time something controversial was said my grandmother had a nice remark. “That woman is old for him,” That woman is young for him,” and the list goes on. Then she asked, “Who is better looking, the blonde guy or the other guy?” Referring to Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn. “I think they are both ugly,” I said. After analyzing the two actors for about 5 seconds I really couldn’t find any level of attractiveness in either. When Bradley Cooper emerged looking AMAZING, I had some input.
That’s when my grandfather brings up the video, the video that withholds the power to make or break my grandmothers heart. “Have you see the video where Steve is a priest?” I knew exactly what he was talking about, and Steve was not a priest. “Let me see Bianca,” my grandmother insisted. I was hesitant but I let her watch the video anyway.
You have to see the video to truly understand the effect this had on my grandmother. Her child, her precious son who she always viewed as the most sane in the family, dressed up in Miami Dolphin costume playing “Lord Dolphinius,” the Miami Dolphin God. “What have all my children gone crazy?” she cried out after my uncle ends the scene sprawled out on the floor posing with his hand on his butt. “He shouldn’t be joking with religion." Typical response I suppose. In the end she says something in Italian along the lines of “What the fuck was that?” and “Oh shit, my family from Italy can see this,” eats a bowl of cereal and goes to bed. I didn’t realize that pushing comedy on her would lead to profanity. I’ll go to confession next week.
ATTACHED IS STEVES VIDEO AS "LORD DOLPHINIUS"
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