Searching For Significant Other

No luck finding a personal assistant, so I am just going try and find a significant other that I don’t have to pay to do things for me.

Now if this whole thing is going to involve actually wanting to spend time with the person, I am going to have to be really selective with what I ask for. Let’s start with what I don’t want.

Cheap. If you are cheap you are unattractive. No one likes someone who is too cheap to go to the movies, or too cheap to refrain from the impulse of asking for those two dollars back. I mean, who does that? People who never want to get laid.

If male, I don’t want you to be less than 6 foot… that is unless you have beautiful features. Face over height. 

Next, I don’t want a Virgo or Cancer. I am sorry but you bore me. I would say I don’t want a Gemini because they are bipolar... but that would exclude Shane West and I may still be in love with him. Even if I saw him with another woman, and cry over it every night while admiring his photograph on my dresser.

Next, I don’t want a serial cheater. “It isn’t cheating unless you’re married” doesn’t fly with me. You know who you are. 

I also don’t want someone who is “confused.” You’re not confused you’re bisexual. Own it.

As for what I do want. I want a lot of things.

Lets start with my preferred zodiac signs. I love Scorpios. If you are a Scorpio I will give you special consideration. Next comes Capricorn and Aquarius. You aren't afraid of emotion and I like that. 

Speaking of emotions. If you have none, you freak me out. Men who claim they haven't cried in years are men to run from fast. We need to practice cardio to have the endurance to run even faster. 

Dancing skills are also a plus. I have loads of energy and you will have to keep up with me. If you are lazy stop reading now.

If you are shy I might find you intriguing and mysterious at first and try to get under your skin, but that will soon turn into annoyance. You annoy me. 

Brown hair, brown eyes and a button nose are also a plus. People with light eyes get too much credit and I am bitter about it. I also want my children to look like me. Exactly like me. 

I want a freak in the streets and a freak in the ...... I’m just being honest.

If Harry Potter and The Craft were two of your favorite movies growing up then we might have something to talk about. 

Did I just describe myself?

Seeking Personal Assistant

Now in days, people are so desperate for work they will do anything. I just saw a post on Craigs List looking for girls with pretty feet to entertain men with foot fetishes. That really creeped me out, but to each his own right?

I was recently inspired to create my own job post. If these people can post such ridiculous jobs, why can't I?  If interested, email me a biography of yourself at biancolina89@gmail.com.

SEEKING PERSONAL ASSISTANT

I am a 22 year old dancer, writer and intern seeking a personal assistant. My day is very busy, filled with internships, dance practice and writing in my notepad whenever inspiration hits.

I am looking for someone who is EXTREMELY open minded, creative, patient, a good driver, and able to do hair and makeup.

I would need you to come to my house in Queens at around 8am every morning to help me pick out an outfit. This won't require too much work on your part, being I have a pretty nice wardrobe.
The hardest part however, would be doing my hair. I like elaborate hair styles, with braids, curls, etc. If you aren't good with cool hair styles, please don't respond to this post. As far as makeup is concerned, I can handle that on my own. Maybe I will need you to do some smokey eyes, but that's about it.

A great perk is, you don't have to worry about breakfast or lunch, my grandparents will take care of that for us. They are Italian and make delicious home cooked meals. They can whip up anything in about 15 minutes so really, you are getting a lot for your time.

Now, I would need you to drive me places. I have a purple ford escort that gets a lot of attention on the road so you can't be shy. The truth is, I hate driving, so this is an important part of the job. If you have a problem driving, DO NOT REPLY. I need a car lover for the job. You won't have to drive far, just from Queens to Manhattan once or twice a day. I would like to be driven to work and then around Manhattan for a bit until you drive me home after work.

The hardest part will probably be dealing with my self absorbed nature. I will talk about myself a lot, ask you to read my writing regularly and try to make you laugh. Now, I do not want you to fold under pressure. You need to be strong. If you don't think a joke is funny, do not laugh because my career is at stake. I would prefer someone who has writing experience for the job, honestly.

I will also sing a lot because that is a repressed passion of mine, but please don't gas my head up by telling me I'm a wonderful singer when I'm really just mediocre. I am a bit manic and tend to get overly excited about things so next thing you know, I will audition for American Idol. I don't want that to happen. It is a waste of my time and yours.

As far as dancing is concerned I would like you to attend all of my dance performances for moral support. I need help with wardrobe, hair and makeup. I also need someone to make sure food is always available, because I am always hungry. I would prefer someone with a lot of energy and enthusiasm for the job, because I like a lot of praise after performances.

If you have any experience in psychotherapy, I will pay you extra.

Other than that, I don't really know what else I need from a personal assistant.

Compensation is based on your experience. I will be holding auditions soon. Email me if interested.

Thank you

MY ROOM IS ALWAYS MESSY ACCORDING TO NONNA

            “Bianca, I need to talk to you about nonna,” said nonno rather seriously in the car today. I knew exactly what he was going to say before it came out of his mouth and I was already bored. “You know that nonna isn’t young anymore, “ he said. “She is tired, so you need to keep your room cleaner. She doesn’t have the energy to clean like she used to.”

  My room is messy? Again? But I just cleaned the damn thing. Only one of my friends has a room half as neat as mine, and that is because she has a live in nanny. But I have a live in nonna and it’s different. She yells at me before taking charge.

Really, I literally almost vomit every time I step into my friend Audrey’s room. I almost vomit because once after taking my shoes off, I stepped in her cats vomit. Now I have post cat vomit disgust disorder. If nonna ever saw this girl’s room she would have a nervous breakdown. She wouldn’t let the girl into my house. I am more open minded however, realizing some people don’t have the luxury of living with an Italian nonna who is also a Virgo. Italian and Virgo, the recipe for obsessive compulsive cleaning disorder. It is annoying that I am constantly reprimanded as a result of someones delusions. 

Now, if you think my room is messy in the slightest think again. All of my friends joke about how my room is so neat it’s scary and also, I’m never home to mess it up. After being away for days I don’t understand how I get phone calls from nonna complaining about how “clothes are in the way" but I think this is just a bribe to lure me home.

You know, sometimes I wish they would teach me more important things like how to drive or how to avoid heartbreak, but no... it’s always, “Bianca, let me teach you something. See this… watch carefully… now this is how you fold a sweater.” I don’t care about the sweater! Actually, there is nothing I would rather learn less than how to fold a sweater. Once I folded a sweater the “right way” and nonna almost threw a party she was so happy. As if being the first person in my family to graduate college wasn’t big enough of a deal for her, she needed to know that I could fold a sweater to feel any sense of satisfaction. This I find annoying and a blow to my accomplishments.

I now take my clothes folding ways with me wherever I go. I think it is a nervous habit actually, because I’m always nervous. Usually, after ripping my clothes off, I don’t throw them into the distance like normal people… instead I pause to place them neatly by the bedside. All of that build up for me to stop and make sure my clothes are in place. What a mood kill.

Other than that, I am also the go to person when my friends need help cleaning their room. Strangely enough, I find helping with their rooms to be rather enjoyable. It gives me a sense of power I think. Like all of nonnas cleaning lessons have not gone to waste. Maybe nonna would even be proud. But the truth is, I don’t know shit about cleaning rooms. I am still learning from nonna.

P.s If you need a professional cleaning lady there is a really great woman across the street I can refer you just reply to the post with your contact information.