THE WAYS IN WHICH NONNA TRICKS MY FRIENDS INTO EATING DEER AND LAMB.

       Sundays are either extremely comical or extremely boring in my home. Depends on who is over and what type of meat nonna chooses to cook. This Sunday was more on the comical side. A childhood friend of mine named Kathy came over just in time for lunch. Lunch meaning, eggplant, chicken cutlet, lamb, filette, pasta with tomato sauce, pasta with meat sauce and steamed vegetables. A lot of food for four people right?

       “If I don’t cook it all now, it will go to waste,” nonna said. “Do you want tomato sauce or meat sauce in your pasta?”

      “Depends on what kind of meat it is,” Kathy replied. 

      “Lamb."
        Kathy’s eyes shot open in bewilderment. As if people don't eat lamb all of the time. 

       “Lamb? No thank you. I don’t eat lamb.”

       “Neither does your sister but when I fed her deer last week she had no idea,” nonna replied.

       “You fed my sister deer?”

         Good thing I wasn’t home for that.

       “Funny right? She didn't know until the next day when I called to ask if she liked the meat.”

         I could tell that Kathy was having second thoughts about eating lunch at my house. I myself was having second thoughts about eating at my house.

       “Guess what my friends down the block are eating today?” Nonna added. Her butcher friend who lives down the block? I could only imagine.
       “Bear.”

         For some reason, the idea of eating a beautiful and holy animal like a lamb seemed less absurd than eating a bear. Probably because bears are scary. We decided on the steamed vegetables after that and went on our way. The next morning Kathy’s older sister called my grandmother and this is what I heard from my side.

       “Kathy went home hungry last night? She said she didn’t eat? Well of course she was hungry, she wouldn’t eat the meat! I even told her to bring some to your house and she said no. She said you put leftovers in the garbage. How could you throw out food?”

         I couldn’t believe they were talking about this just as I was in the middle of writing about them. Magic.

       “Anyway, I fed you deer. Big deal. I don’t make bad food. Whatever we make here is good. Some people eat liver too, depends on the way you make it. You can cook it with onion and vinegar. It tastes good.” That’s when the details behind the bear story were revealed.
      “That’s just liver. People eat bear in my neighborhood. They clean the bear up and make chopped meat, steak and sauce.” There was a moment of silence.

       “I saw the bear! No one told me about it! Yes, it was a 350-pound bear. I SWEAR ASK NONNO. They went upstate, killed the bear and brought it home to Queens.”
         I wanted to go upstate with these people. After that conversation Nonna and I began one of our own.

      “Do you like deer Bianca?” she asked.
       What was she implying?

      “No.”

      “Have you ever tried it?”

      “No.”

       She began laughing. Uncontrollable laughter.

      “Yes you have. Many times.”

     
       Sorry animal lovers. I am one of those.